Women Make Passes at Guys Who are Asses

This is it. The deep, dark secret that all women deny. We don’t want nice men.

We won’t tolerate them unless they’re related to us by blood or interviewing us for a job. Sure, they can buy us dinner every once in a while. But we don’t want to date them, sleep with them, or marry them. We say we do. We bemoan the fact to anyone who’ll listen that there are no “good guys” out there; that all men are animals, slobs or inconsiderate jerks. We say we’d take ten years off our lives to find a decent, kind honorable man.

We’re lying.

Why? Because we don’t like to admit that we willingly take shit in the name of love. It’s embarrassing and demeaning. We wonder what it says about our self-esteem that we stick with a guy who treats us badly. What would our mothers think?

Actually, a woman’s stick-to-it-ness is a tribute to her humanity. We have a natural, nurturing side that makes us want to rescue things, stray dogs, Rumanian orphans, bad men. And we want to believe so badly in the myth of a “good woman” being all a man needs to straighten up and fly right that we’ll stand by him and defend him long after our friends are planning a ceremonial bonfire of his few lousy possessions.

What’s going on here? Do we have such a need to bring light out of darkness; make order out of chaos? Well, yes. But it’s a little more complicated than that. We are picky about exactly who we’ll save. Our coupon-clipping, sansabelt-panted geeky boyfriends in their filthy apartments will not inspire this kind of dogged loyalty. Though they be completely adrift in the world and incapable of running a vacuum cleaner – let alone their own lives – they will never be the object of our search and rescue. Why not? Because they will never be a threat to our day-to-day routine. Because they not only don’t walk on the wild side – they couldn’t find their way there with a Thomas guide. They’re not dangerous. And that’s what we want.

When we say danger that doesn’t mean that we want to be hurt. It means we crave that delicious rush of adrenaline that comes from knowing that we’re in way over our heads and we don’t know what’s coming next. We’re in a situation alive with possibilities.

You see, men could always get their rocks off hunting buffalo, gathering berries and killing each other. But women, with their domestic, organized existences, could only ever taste danger vicariously through their men. They didn’t run down the road-kill – they cooked it.

Now, a couple of thousand years late you’d think we’d know better. With very few exceptions almost all avenues of adventure are open to women. We can now make our own excitement. But our hormones are a step behind society.

Most of us still have horror stories of men who stayed out all night drinking. took money from our purses, lost their jobs and lived on our couch for five months during the football season and screwed our roommates when we slipped out to the store for a bag of sugar. And although we wail that we can’t take another man like that. Don’t believe us. We not only can – we probably will.

These same men made us laugh, were great dancers, had dark, tragic sides to them – something along the lines of unfulfilled genius which only needed our deft nurturing touch to make it flower. Some of them were wounded children to our mommy. Some of them were Mozart to our Cosima. Some were Hitler to our Eva Braun. Got the picture? The only question remaining is why the Nobel Prize didn’t go to the author of “Smart Women; Foolish Choices.”

The truth is goodness bores us. The truth is when we decide on the qualities of a mate, we make the shopping list with our head but we buy with a part of the anatomy that is a little closer to our center of gravity.

And then there are the romantic myths that we buy into, which don’t exactly help matters. The myth of the strong silent type, for instance. We know it’s crap. We know still waters don’t always run deep – sometimes they’re just still. And shallow.

But we buy, hook, line and sinker the idea that left to their own dark nature men will go down, down, down. Unless women step in to stop the rot. Also, being at heart nice people (if a little gullible), we often jump right in where angels would find themselves up to their necks in quicksand.

It’s a shame for guys who are really decent and don’t want to betray their own good natures just to get a date for Saturday night. You know who you are.

You’re not really good-looking but not unattractive either. You have a sweet smile or nice eyes. You’re never overweight. In fact, you probably work out and have a good body. You make a comfortable living in a responsible position. You have what your mother and father refer to approvingly as a future. You have close ties to your family. You have a nice car, perhaps your own house and one or two interesting hobbies. Maybe, sailing, photography or painting. You need these hobbies. You have time on your hands. You couldn’t get a girl if your life depended on it.

You become a problem to your friends. You’re usually the only single person in the group. They agonize about whether or not to include you. If they invite you they’ll have to borrow a chair and use an odd place setting. If they don’t ask you you may find out and be hurt. And the last thing in the world they want is to hurt you because you’re SOOOO NICE,.

You become a cause celebre to your friends. They will mate you or die in the attempt. There is extensive networking among the group. Favors are called in and strangers are consulted. They entertain more than they want or can afford in an attempt to set up a casual, non-threatening context or mating. They coax the unsuspecting female into the web like so many arachnids, spinning tales of your intelligence, business acumen and character. It is all in vain. The woman will ask you to pass the dip, make enough small talk to be sociable and slip out when you get up to go use the john.

Somebody has to break the silence and give you poor saps some advice so here goes.

Here’s the good news. It doesn’t matter what you look like. Sure, every man has some thing that bothers him. You may be losing your hair. You may have more chins than you know what to do with. It doesn’t matter. There’s at least one woman out there looking for you. Actors already know that getting a woman is kind of like being up for a really great part. You know you can do the job if they’ll just give you a shot. What you have to focus on is getting past the auditions, handling the pressure, accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative . And maybe lie a little. So here are a few ground rules (saving the most important till last) to help you get cast.

Rule Number One. Don’t read this. Sorry. But women are not attracted to men who are unsure enough of themselves as to actually read this kind of stuff. But let’s get out of this Catch 22 by assuming that you’re not actually looking for pointers. Let’s say you’re doing research for a book and move onto…

Rule Number Two. Don’t do as you’re told. Women are not drawn to men who take directions well. Let’s say you call her at work. She’s too busy to talk and says call me at home tonight. I get in around 8. Don’t even think about it. Better you should call from a bar around midnight a little drunk from longing than to catch her fumbling at the door with keys and groceries. Never be predictable.

Rule Number 3. Very similar to Rule Number 2. Have your own game plan. Don’t ask her what she’d like to do. Tell her you know the perfect little spot/hideaway/bar and take her there. Get a rough idea of her likes and dislikes and set something up yourself. Make it fit. Don’t take her to the opera if all she owns are jeans and tee shirts. She’ll be uncomfortable and she’ll hate you for it. But don’t go the usual dinner/movie route. Take her on a picnic. At night. With real china and silverware. Gift-wrap a bunch of lottery tickets in lieu of flowers. Introduce her to your hobbies and interests. Let her see you in context. Which brings us to

Rule Number 4. Get a life. If you don’t already have one, make one up. Talk about your family. Introduce her to them. It shows character and if they’re still talking to you how bad can you be? I promise you that she won’t mind if you stand her up because you really couldn’t miss Grammy’s 80th birthday. As long as she believes you. Be assured enough to introduce her to your male friends. But stay away from double-dating with other couples in the initial stages. She’ll be able to tell from the other woman’s reaction whether you are who you re setting yourself up to be.

Rule number 5. Look and listen. Make full eye contact. There is nothing more appealing and irresistible than being really looked at. Listen to her. Ask her advice/opinion about a personal situation/politics. Feed her comments back to her later to show she was heard. Don’t lecture or talk down to her. Even if she’s dumb. Especially if she’s dumb.

Rule Number 6. And the most important rule of all concerning the “d” word. Don’t be desperate. Nothing repels like desperation. Just because she sits by the phone waiting for your call, doesn’t mean she wants you sitting at the other end waiting to make it.

If you’ve had a dry spell in terms of women in your life – that’s ok. Maybe you have standards. But if you haven’t gotten laid since college you’re history if she finds out. A woman will usually trust another woman’s instincts. She may wonder what all the others picked up on that she missed. And if you’re looking for a lifemate instead of a little fun don’t be so quick to let it be known. Contrary to what most men believe – women are not necessarily attracted to a man who is hell-bent on settling down. You’d be surprised how many women fear commitment – especially from the wrong guy.

What else? Be funny . But don’t tell jokes.

Watch your clothes. I know, I know. I said it didn’t matter that you looked like. But be reasonable. Invest in a full-length mirror. Preferably one with wings so you can see yourself from both sides and behind. (You can have fun with it if you end up in bed with her so you’ll get your moneys worth) Figure out what you’ve worn the last four weekends just hanging around the house. NEVER wear those clothes in front of a woman who is not your mother.

Black is good. Leather is great for jackets but not for pants. Hats are very good. They show character and individuality. Watch the shoes. Polish them once a year even if you don’t think they need it.

Finally, be realistic. Don’t play out of your league. Relax and remember it’s a numbers game. As the old song goes. You’ve got to know when to hold, when to fold ‘em when to walk away and when to run. Most women can’t bring themselves to just say no. She says she’d love to go out with you but she’s busy for the next two weeks and why don’t you call her on the 24th. Tell her you’re busy that day and forever after. Hang up and flush her number. You’ll feel bad for a while but you’ll end it with dignity and, most importantly, you’ll control the ending yourself. That confidence will be a powerful aphrodisiac next time around.

Of course, a really devious man would use the good/guy bad guy bit to his advantage. He’d hide what a swell fella he was until well into the relationship. Bit by bit he’d let his true self emerge – becoming gradually “rehabilitated” by her gentle, calming influence. Be warned, though, this is a dangerous game. There’s an old saying that if someone saves your life you’re indebted to them forever.

Make sure, if you allow a woman to save you from your own bad self, that she’s a keeper. She’s liable to call in the debt. The good news is if you get tired of her you can pay it off in increments – it’s called alimony.