Ask the Coach: Vending Machine Model of Relationships

Question: My husband I fight all the time. I try to avoid them but he really knows how to push my buttons. He keeps picking fights with me and I try not to fall for it. But he really knows how to push my hot buttons. Any suggestions?

Answer: Here’s the vending machine theory of relationships.

Think of yourself as a Coke machine. Your husband puts a dollar in and a can of Coke rolls out. As long as he wants Coke he’ll always come to you because you deliver. Next time if he puts a dollar in and a bag of Skittles falls out he may find he needs to go elsewhere for his soft drinks.

If he can reliably pick a fight with you each time and you are coming through like a champ – where’s the incentive for him to stop?. This is more fun for him than back to back re-runs of “Cops”. Break the habit once or twice and he’ll lose interest in this game. Next time he picks on you smile sweetly and ask him what he’d like for dinner because you’re just running out to the store and you’d like to get him something special.

Ask the Coach:To Move or Not to Move

Question: My boyfriend lives in Florida and is pushing me to move there. I’ve visited him and I hate where he lives. He can’t move because of work. I’m not happy without him but I don’t think I’d be happy in Florida. Do you think this one relationship can outweigh all the other drawbacks of uprooting myself and moving half way cross the country to a place I hate? I can’t seem to move one way or the other and I’ve been trying to make this decision for 5 months now.

Answer: Then don’t make this decision. Make another one. Chunk the situation down until you find a decision level you can live with. Can you make a decision to sublet your apartment and move there for a 90 day trial period? Can you make a decision to move there for a month? Can you make a decision to make a decision?

You’re hiding out in your indecision which has now become your comfort zone. The longer you hang out in your head and stay away from any kind of action the more difficult it will be for you to do anything. Take a shot. Nothing’s written in stone. You can always come back. Decision is not only the ending of something but the beginning of something else. Focus on the positive side of acting.