All of these are action steps.  By definition, action steps take you away from where you are.  Nothing wrong with this, except when the answer to a particular situation lies right where you are here and now.  Which is usually the case.

An effective alternative to  “movement” coaching is based on the TIbetan meditation “Stay”.

It takes courage and stamina to stay where you are when every nerve and instinct is telling you to move, change something, look outside yourself for an answer or in some way move away from discomfort.

Only by being with the dis-ease and  only by allowing it to stay around long enough can you watch it fall away.  When you have the experience of seeing that the discomfort is transient and not a permanent state; when you realize that it will subside by and of itself if you don’t distract yourself from it  – it loses its power over you.

Sometimes the appropriate action to take is that of no-action. Sometimes the thing to do is nothing.

As Pema Chodron says “This perfect moment is the best teacher.  And lucky for you it’s right here with you all the time.”

So how can you be coached to do nothing?  Simple. Think of a metaphor of repetition.  Whatever works for you.

Buddhists use the metaphor of dragging an ox along a path.  The ox doesn’t want to go to market or to work.  He wants to meander off into the sweet grasses and weeds at the side of the path.  His owner keeps pulling him back onto the path over and over and over again.

It’s debatable whether the ox learns to stay on the path or whether he just tires himself out. or gives up.

It doesn’t matter.  What is true is that the paradox of “Staying” can move you forward, doing nothing can produce  possibility.

Answer: Here’s the vending machine theory of relationships.

Think of yourself as a Coke machine. Your husband puts a dollar in and a can of Coke rolls out. As long as he wants Coke he’ll always come to you because you deliver. Next time if he puts a dollar in and a bag of Skittles falls out he may find he needs to go elsewhere for his soft drinks.

If he can reliably pick a fight with you each time and you are coming through like a champ – where’s the incentive for him to stop?. This is more fun for him than back to back re-runs of “Cops”. Break the habit once or twice and he’ll lose interest in this game. Next time he picks on you smile sweetly and ask him what he’d like for dinner because you’re just running out to the store and you’d like to get him something special.

Answer: Then don’t make this decision. Make another one. Chunk the situation down until you find a decision level you can live with. Can you make a decision to sublet your apartment and move there for a 90 day trial period? Can you make a decision to move there for a month? Can you make a decision to make a decision?

You’re hiding out in your indecision which has now become your comfort zone. The longer you hang out in your head and stay away from any kind of action the more difficult it will be for you to do anything. Take a shot. Nothing’s written in stone. You can always come back. Decision is not only the ending of something but the beginning of something else. Focus on the positive side of acting.

It’s not a call to lemming-like suicide as you might think. Perhaps another C.L. maxim of a similar nature would shed some light. “Give and give until you say goodbye.” Or – as a man named Ecclesiastes once put it “To everything there is a season. And a time to every purpose under Heaven.” Meaning there is a time to run and a time to stop. When it’s appropriate to run you run flat out. When it’s appropriate to stop you stop.

I thought of this today as I was watching a Sunday morning political news show. By the time you read this ,we will either have a new President or a lot of fat cat lawyers will be very busy. I have strong opinions about whom I would like to be our next President. Whatever happens, however, I have let go of the outcome.
Letting go of an outcome is a tough concept for some people. They see it as not having faith in yourself; giving up; being negative. To admit that you may not get what you want may appear to be defeatist. In fact – nonattachment to the outcome of your actions is a strong peaceful position to take in the world. It all comes down to what is controllable and what is not.

My personal commitment to having my guy be the next President is within my control as are my actions which spring from that commitment. I can give money, time and effort. I can attempt to sway undecided voters and I can man the phones to get the vote out on November 4th. But the actual final national outcome of the election is not within my control.

So I give and give until it’s not appropriate to give anymore. I run until it would be unwise to continue running.

I see what Reality presents to me and I respond to it.

All the curtains in his house were drawn and his bed was littered with color samples, catalogs and all the assorted detritus of a home-based business. With his unshaven face and sunken eyes, he bore a frightening resemblance to Tom Hanks in “Castaway”. He leaned over and, with a wild glint in his eye, whispered “I haven’t taken a shower in three days.” That close to him it wasn’t difficult to believe but I couldn’t figure out why he felt the need to tell me.

A couple of years later I got it when I too had swapped working for the man for the pleasantly unstructured life of a home-based entrepreneur. I was on my way to a Networking luncheon and slipped on some dress shoes only to find that my feet had apparently grown two sizes. My sneakers and my fluffy slippers fit just fine but they didn’t go with my little black suit. I understood then that his confession had been more than a need to share his personal hygiene issues with me. He felt compelled to share the horror of what he was becoming.

At some point every back bedroom start-up entrepreneur has an epiphany that they might be a little too far gone along the go-it-alone continuum. For me it was the shoes. For my friend it was the orange water pouring out of his groaning shower head when he finally found a reason to shower.

If you’re just starting out with a home-based business and still euphoric over working in your p.j’s – be aware that there is a dark side. One day you, too, may run slap up against a moment of clarity when you see your formerly civilized life sliding away over the horizon; a moment when you realize that you may have taken the ball and run with it just a little too far.

There’s so much to do in setting up and maintaining a business. And, mindful of the fact that 80% of all small businesses fail in the first year, you’re probably anxious to do as much as you can as fast as you can in order to start bringing home the goods.

There are several balances to be worked out – all of them tricky. When do you outsource and when do you do it yourself? How much can you work and still have a life and a family at the end of it? What do you absolutely have to do first and what can wait?

There are many excellent books and articles on what to do to set up your business. This isn’t one of them. This is about how to be as you do those things. How to be kind to yourself. How to be available to your family and friends and enjoy life even amid the uncertainty and stress of creating your dream from scratch.

After all, your life isn’t wallpaper to your daily struggle. It goes on whether you pay attention to it or not.

So here are a couple of tips to keep you present and focused. Six things you can do to avoid singing the Home-Based Burnout Blues.

Find your Purpose. This may sound pretty basic but it’s so basic many people don’t do it. Your Purpose is not the same as your goal. Your goal is what you want to do; your Purpose is why you want to do it.

Your Purpose is larger and inclusive of all aspects of your life. Why do you want to do what you want to do? Why are you uniquely qualified to do it? If you don’t know this and can’t explain it to yourself how are you going to be able to market yourself? (Are you still laboring under the illusion that you won’t have to market yourself? Are you still waiting for a knock at the front door from someone demanding your goods/services?)

Your goal may be to sell $200,000 of widgets this year. But your Purpose may be to sell $200,000 of a fine quality product with such integrity and appreciation for your customers that they will provide you with return business which will in turn provide for a good living for you and your family. Write out your Purpose and post it everywhere. Stuff it in your sock drawer so it’ll surprise you when you least expect it. Definitely stick it on your TV. Read it every day. Don’t lose this Purpose in the minutiae of daily tasks. Don’t go unconscious to it. Be aware of what you do every day. Everything you do is a structure to either move you towards it or away from it. Ask yourself periodically. Am I in line with my Purpose? Is playing with your kids in line with Purpose? Sure, if it keeps you sane and healthy and nourishes your family. Is watching back to back episodes of Cops in line with your Purpose? Probably not if you slump on the couch and come to three hours later wondering where the time went.

There’s an old Buddhist saying:

“If you seek enlightenment do not waste your time by day or by night.”

Switch success for enlightenment and you’ve got a pretty good mantra for business. But what if you’ve been working your rear off and you decide that some mindless TV is just what the doctor ordered to rest your brain and give you a rare treat? Then vegging on the couch may actually be in line with your Purpose because you chose to do it willingly and mindfully. It’s about whether you choose the situation or you let the situation choose you.

Once you find your Purpose plot a road map to it. My husband and I once took a road trip which went through 8 beautiful Western states including Montana, Wyoming, Idaho and Utah . I had exactly two weeks of vacation and knew when I could leave and when I had to be back. In order to get back in time we had to budget a certain minimum amount of travel time per day and there were things we wanted to do along the way. We went to our local Automobile club and they built what they called a Trip Tik for us. They gave us maps of all the states we would pass through and plotted the best route. We also scheduled in time for detours and hiking and just lolling around. They put all this information in a handy little pouch and gave it to us. It was a great trip. Had we just set out on the fly without a plan we could have ended up stressed out hundreds of miles away from home the day before I was due back at work or we could have zipped through some beautiful scenery and found ourselves with time to spare and nothing to do in it.

So build yourself a Trip Tik to your Purpose. Take your day planner or a long sheet of paper and break your day up into appointment blocks. Two hour increments work great. These appointments are not negotiable. So be on time and ready to go. Make appointments with yourself to do the tasks you have prioritized. Make appointments with yourself to clean house; do yoga; and walk the dog. Sounds silly? It’s important to write down even the little things otherwise time will seduce you. They’re contracts with yourself and you need to keep them with as much integrity as you’d keep any contracts with clients.

No matter how much fun you’re having doing a task it should end when it’s supposed to end. It shouldn’t take on a life of its own. In fact, the more you like doing something the more you need structure surrounding it. We all like to do pleasant things that we’re good at. But they may not be what needs to be done right now. Have definite starting and ending times for your day. Make yourself an appointment for something active every few hours so you’re not sitting on the phone or computer for 12 hour s straight. If you have a problem with forgetting to eat or drink enough water – schedule those too.

I might schedule two hours of writing on my articles then a half hour appointment to clean the kitchen which would stretch me and get my circulation moving (and get the kitchen cleaned!). Back to the computer for answering e-mails and client paperwork and bookkeeping. Another hour scheduled for a quick lunch and walk in the park with the dog. Client phone sessions would be scheduled with ten minute breaks in between. Finish work at 6 PM. I could easily work until 11 PM and have done so many times. But that’s not healthy and not sustainable especially as I share my life and home with others.

My particular Purpose includes having the energy and peace of mind to enjoy the results of all my hard work at the end of the day.

Put it in writing. Put what in writing, you ask? Everything. Purpose. Ideas. Outlines. Lists. Deadlines. Goals. Studies show, by the way, that only 3% of us write down our goals. But of the 3% of entrepreneurs who do take the trouble to put pen to paper a stunning 97% of them achieve their goals. Get this stuff out of your head and onto paper.

There are two great advantages to getting all of this stuff out of your head and onto paper. It makes your business real. A character in your daily life. And it saves energy because you don’t have to worry about forgetting things or keeping track of ideas. So find a system and run with it. Get a Daily Planner. I love the Franklin Covey system. It combines journaling with an appointment calendar and a To Do list. It’s expensive but you can usually find it on eBay. Write down your Mission statement; Vision statement and Business and Marketing Plans. You’ll need a business plan anyway if you’re planning on getting outside funds. Look at your Business and Marketing plan regularly.

Value yourself. Figure out your hourly rate and factor that in to every decision you make. I mean every decision. It’s great to be able to build your own website. You can save a bundle if you’re already computer-savvy and there are many excellent softwares which will help you. I made my first site with a program I got from my website host. I put $14.95 on my credit card, downloaded it and within minutes was working on my site. I did it myself and it looked decent. But it took me close to six weeks. I wasn’t working on it full-time but when I wasn’t I was thinking about it. It was a major distraction and it was a lot of fun. There was a learning curve so I first had to learn the software then implement it. I knew nothing about color or fonts or placement or keywords or metatags.

I lost time on it that I should have spent marketing and in the end the whole exercise was more a character building exercise than a website building exercise. I survived and so did my site. But had I added up all the hours I worked on it (including the “hidden” hours when I got up at 3 AM to fiddle with it) and paid myself I probably didn’t save any money and I would have gotten a more professional looking site with a designer. When you decide whether to do something yourself or outsource it be sure to also factor in the time it takes to learn the software. This can be substantial. Add up the missed marketing and promotional opportunities and add in the stress and aggravation factor. If you want to outsource design work try a community bulletin board like Craigslist.org ( a stomping ground for many unemployed web designers). There’s now a Craigslist in pretty much every major city. Remember, too, that you don’t need to even have a web designer living in your home state unless you plan on suing them over the end product. Elance.com. is also great for home entrepreneurs. You can post your project online and receive bids from vendors. Check out their portfolios; interview them and go with the right one. If you’re good with graphics and hellbent on designing your site and cards, letterheads etc. yourself give yourself a deadline and stick to it. When I was starting out I figured out my hourly rate was about $75.00. I got in the habit of calculating how long it would take me to do something; learn the software and experiment by trial and error. I tried to factor in the frustration factor to me and the lost time to my family and other areas of my life. If I could hire a professional to do it for less I farmed it out.

Which brings us to money. Don’t get caught in the “I can’t afford it” trap. You may not have much money to spend but everyone has a little. Allocate it wisely. You have to spend money to make money.

Maybe this is a Universal law because it thins the herd right at the outset. If you don’t invest in yourself why should anyone else? Most of us have an ego mind which has mixed feelings about our success. One way to put a tripwire in front of what should be our stunning rush to success is to tell ourselves we can’t afford to do what we know we need to do. Then it’s not our fault if we don’t make it. We didn’t make the cut because we didn’t have the money to start our business right not because we were afraid or unwilling to risk.

If you really don’t have the money to pay for something – barter it or ask for terms. Get a credit card and use it specifically for start-up expenses. Getting into a little debt isn’t so terrible. If you have equity on your house take out a home equity loan or refinance it. Talk to a relative and ask them to swing you a short-term loan. There are many organizations out there which will loan to small businesses with a Business plan. (See why you need a business plan?) Try Charo. SBA.

Assume and believe in your success. Then take the steps you need to take to be successful. Part of figuring out your Trip Tik is figuring out what you absolutely cannot do without to get to your Purpose. There are certain elemental things you’ll need. Website. Business cards. Phone line. Make a list of bare necessities and find a way to pay for them. Don’t buy or invest in anything else no matter how interesting or fun it might be until you’ve covered the basics.

Vision without action is a daydream.

Build a team and a support system. A one man band can usually play many instruments passably but none of them well. Find out what you do well and get help with the rest. Even if it’s only online. Find people you can network with locally. There’s probably a professional organization you can join. If not – join Toastmasters or your local Chamber of Commerce. Ask for help. Get out of the house and rub shoulders with people who are doing what you’re doing. Ask for feedback. Do you know how many people would like to help you to succeed? Do you know how good it feels to give support to someone struggling to make something of their lives? Give your friends, and even strangers, this opportunity.

Find someone you admire in your field and write or call them. Tell them you would like to be where they are. Ask if they have any words of advice. If they respond be sure to send them a thank-you letter. Then follow-up and let them know how their advice has helped you. If they don’t respond don’t take it personally.Don’t fall into limiting belief scripts that they wouldn’t be interested; you’re bothering them etc. Don’t make their decisions for them.

Think how you’d feel if your expertise helped someone and they took the time to thank you. You breathe the same air as your mentors.

Finally, when you hit a roadblock be kind to yourself. Setbacks can hurt. Keep in mind that every moment is a fresh one and carries within it the seeds of tremendous fortune. The next contact you make could turn your life around.

If you’ve never been big on the God thing this isn’t a bad time to give it a whirl. You don’t have to be into organized religion. If you feel passionately about your business you may believe you were put on this earth to do it. It’s nice to have Someone to thank or blame when things go up or down. It’s good to have Someone to talk to when you just need to be heard. It’s even better when they talk back.

All indicators are that modern Retirement is a powerful life transition and can be the doorway to the most creative, enjoyable time of our lives.

Yet the subject of retirement is one of the last great taboos. We may dread it or look forward to it – but, in our culture and in our families, we almost never talk about it. We certainly don’t plan it. We sit back and let it happen.

If you’re married, chances are, you will have spent more time researching and planning your last vacation than you will spend sitting down together as a couple and ironing out the details of your retirement.

To help you on your way, here are three absolutely essential questions you must ask yourselves, as individuals and as a partnership, before you retire.

Where Will We Live?

The answer to this question will not be a point on a map. Do you want to live in a City with a political culture, museums, coffee shops you can walk to, an artistic community, a local Junior college? Do you want to be able to walk your dog near your home, play golf nearby, grow vegetables, be out of earshot of any neighbors? Do you want a small town atmosphere? Do you want the hustle of nightlife? Do you need to be near an airport? Do allergies or medical conditions play any part in your decision? What do you want to see when you look out of your kitchen window in the morning nursing your coffee – a beach, mountains, friendly neighbors, trees?

Who Will We Live With?

Do you want to live near the kids so you can see them on weekends? Do you want to live in another State so you don’t get stuck with unofficial babysitting duties each weekend? Do you want your friends and neighbors to be Liberals, Republicans or aging hippies? Is a Faith-based community important to you? What kind of church or temple would you like nearby? Do you want to live within a community with a wide disparity of ages? Do you want to live in a Seniors Only Community? Would you like to live in a creative community; an outdoorsy community?

How Will You Live?

Will you garden or are you done with yard work forever? Will you volunteer, mentor local kids, start your own business or consultancy? Will you golf every day? Are yoga classes, neighborhood associations, Book Clubs, availability of part-time employment important to you? What will you do all day?

If you are retiring as a single individual, answering these questions can be crucial, but fairly simple. If you are retiring with a spouse or lifetime partner you may be surprised at the disparities that may crop up. Your spouse may have been harboring a secret desire to live in an upscale urban condo after 20 years of suburban tract living. This puts a crimp in your desire to take long walks in nature every day. One of you will have to give. Both of you may have to compromise. This can be done with deliberation and consideration if there is time to discuss, negotiate and search for alternatives.

Let the mantra for your Retirement Planning be “Awareness and Communication” (and don’t forget that often the most important part of communication is truly listening).

If you’re an entrepreneur or small business owner, you’re under siege from Bright Shiny Objects.

Every time you check your e-mail, open magazine, network or check out a competitor, you’re faced with a multitude of them.

They glimmer and twist in the light and you just have to have them.

Over the first few years of my own business, my BSO’s started off fairly predictably with websites, then blogs, then podcasting, then webinars, teleseminars, ezines, newsletters, pop-ups, workshops, e-mail classes, direct marketing, advertising, networking. Is your head about ready to explode just reading about them?

A solid marketing plan, prioritized according to chronological necessity will eliminate impulse buys and distractions.

Your BSO’s can go on your wish list, also in order of necessity (NOT desirability) and you can knock them off one by one when you’ve covered your basics.

So what are the basics?

• One solid and consistent way of targeting your ideal client. (This could be a website, store, craft fair or ad.)

• A way of capturing your client’s contact information. If a website is your preferred way of targeting your client, then this would be a sign-up box on your site; if you attract clients by speaking, you would capture their information by a hand-written evaluation.

• A method of communicating on a regular and consistent basis with your clients. We all know the stats that your average client needs to be exposed to you at least 7 times before they will buy from you.

• A consistent and regular way of following up with your clients to care for them and ask for their repeat business.

When you’ve taken care of these basics, feel free to experiment and add in all the baubles and trinkets you want.