Why you can’t reason with an addict.

It’s painful when someone we care about doesn’t seem to want to turn away from their addiction. Why can’t they see what see?

We try to reason with them. We’re sure if they can just shift their perspective and see the bigger picture, as we do, they’ll stop their destructive behavior.

Of course we think this way. Our world runs on reason.

When we disagree with someone we seek to persuade them; we elect our politicians by discourse and rational debate; we educate by reason. Reason makes the world go around.

We are used to others responding to argument, debate and informed opinion.

We expect to be able to enter into a similar kind of reasoned discourse with the addict.

It won’t happen. By time we realize that it won’t, our loved one could be dead, incarcerated or on the streets.

Addiction makes mincemeat of reason. It chews it up and spits it out.

Think of addiction as your extremely right wing, deeply political Conservative, Christian Fundamentalist brother-in-law at the Thanksgiving table pretending to listen politely to your Liberal nieces impassioned plea for amnesty for all illegal immigrants. Nothing is penetrating.

If you abandon reason as a tool in dealing with the addict what, then, are you left with? How about emotion?

If you have someone dear to you who is addicted you’ve probably done your fair share of crying, threatening, pleading and demanding. Any of it work for more than a couple of days?

How about bribes, manipulation, sleight of hand? Think – hiding bottles, canceling credit cards, “outing” the addict to other family members. Any of it work?

What works, ultimately, is taking the focus off of the addict and putting it squarely where you have an unassailable right to put it – on yourself.

Here’s where you take the 12 Step Serenity Prayer to heart. You actually have zero control over what anyone else does or does not do - but you have absolute control over your own actions.

You can’t control whether someone else drinks or uses. You can control the fact that you refuse to participate in what is, essentially, an assisted suicide, in the life of your loved one. You can control whether or not you will continue to prolong their support, continue to facilitate and even fund their access to drugs, and continue to put up with their b.s. You can control whether or not you do things which hurt you and cause you anxiety or stress.

When dealing with the addict, it definitely takes two to tango. They need to be supported and enabled; you need to support and enable them. One of you has to step out of the game. They won’t - so you must.

Just say no.

When you’re true to your own values and quietly and firmly take a stand that you’re no longer going to continue with your past enabling behavior because it’s not good for you – you’re untouchable and beyond manipulation. You’re not threatening, cajoling, giving ultimatums, crying, manipulating. You’re just saying – sorry – but this is hurting me and I have to take care of myself. You may not choose to have a healthy, aware life – but I do.

Top Ten Reasons to get up in the morning

1. Bedsores.
(When you hang around in one place for too long it starts hurtin’).
2. You’re needed.
(And you won’t know how or why unless you start the ball rolling).
3. You have much to offer.
(No matter how bad things are. Some of us are gurus; some of us are cautionary tales. We all give in one way or another).
4. Today’s the day.
(This is always true).
5. It saves energy.
(True. It takes less energy to jump out of bed than it does to lie there thinking about the reasons you shouldn’t).
6. You’re loved.
(I don’t know. That’s for you to figure out.)
7. Your dog needs to pee.
(So you don’t have a dog. Who else is counting on you to show up?)
8. Life is short.
(I believe yours is shorter than mine. But then, who doesn’t?)
9. There is much to learn.
(We’re waiting for you , Teach).
10. One day Death will come.
(He should find you busy. Make him wait.)

Ask the Coach:To Move or Not to Move

Question: My boyfriend lives in Florida and is pushing me to move there. I’ve visited him and I hate where he lives. He can’t move because of work. I’m not happy without him but I don’t think I’d be happy in Florida. Do you think this one relationship can outweigh all the other drawbacks of uprooting myself and moving half way cross the country to a place I hate? I can’t seem to move one way or the other and I’ve been trying to make this decision for 5 months now.

Answer: Then don’t make this decision. Make another one. Chunk the situation down until you find a decision level you can live with. Can you make a decision to sublet your apartment and move there for a 90 day trial period? Can you make a decision to move there for a month? Can you make a decision to make a decision?

You’re hiding out in your indecision which has now become your comfort zone. The longer you hang out in your head and stay away from any kind of action the more difficult it will be for you to do anything. Take a shot. Nothing’s written in stone. You can always come back. Decision is not only the ending of something but the beginning of something else. Focus on the positive side of acting.

The Optimum Mind is Flexible

I see the flag move in the wind. Is it the flag that moves or the wind that moves.

It is the mind that moves.

Whenever I want to give myself a kick in the rear about getting stuck in patterns of reaction I think about Bert Waninger. In fact, I think about him anyway every couple of years.

Bert was a quiet, gentlemanly guy with manners from another era. He was brought up in Austria and his parents taught him Old World ways and values which he brought with him to Los Angeles. Some played well; some didn’t.

He had a strongly-developed sense of justice which he usually served up with a side order of grievance and moral absolutism. We kidded him to his face about being a Pollyanna.

He had a hard time getting girls and I used to give him dating advice. Put yourself out there. They won’t come to you. Knowing in my heart that he came across as just too good. He was an ambassador from another time.

Time passed and I lost touch with him until I opened the newspaper one morning and saw his name on the front page of the Metro section. There had been a spate of “Follow-home” robberies that year and apparently some thugs had followed him to his house and demanded the keys to his car when he got out.

Bert refused and they shot him in the head and left him to bleed to death like roadkill in his own driveway.

The article went on to interview his neighbors who all commented on how shocked they were that he had taken a stand because he was such a quiet, gentle guy. He must have really loved that car, they said.

Some how it made things sadder when I read that the car he was desperately protecting was the same Mercedes he had had when I had known him several years earlier and it wasn’t new then.

But I think I knew why he refused. It wasn’t the car. He was always too careful to drive uninsured, anyway. It was the fact that what these punks were doing was wrong and immoral. You didn’t just walk up to someone and put a gun to their heads and demand their stuff. And he couldn’t get past that.

So, I thought, that’s why he died. Because the world wasn’t fair and wasn’t right. And he couldn’t accept that and get on with the business of living. Couldn’t move away from the sense of justice instilled in him so many years ago. So he died protecting six cylinders and a fancy hood ornament.

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Top Ten Things to Build a Bridge and Get Over

God must love Top Ten lists because she made so many of them. They crowd my Inbox daily. They’re right up there in popularity with offers to refinance my house and stock up on Viagra. Top Nine Lists are few and far between and Top Eleven lists unheard of. But for seem reason there seem to be ten nifty answers to pretty much any problem or life situation you can come up with.

In search of my own Top Ten favorites I had a hard time coming up with something that hadn’t already been worked over. There seems to be a plethora of Top Ten lists designed to pump us up; increase our confidence and build self esteem. I thought it would be nice to let some of the air out. So here are my:

Top Ten Things to Build a Bridge and Get Over.

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