Why you can’t reason with an addict.

It’s painful when someone we care about doesn’t seem to want to turn away from their addiction. Why can’t they see what see?

We try to reason with them. We’re sure if they can just shift their perspective and see the bigger picture, as we do, they’ll stop their destructive behavior.

Of course we think this way. Our world runs on reason.

When we disagree with someone we seek to persuade them; we elect our politicians by discourse and rational debate; we educate by reason. Reason makes the world go around.

We are used to others responding to argument, debate and informed opinion.

We expect to be able to enter into a similar kind of reasoned discourse with the addict.

It won’t happen. By time we realize that it won’t, our loved one could be dead, incarcerated or on the streets.

Addiction makes mincemeat of reason. It chews it up and spits it out.

Think of addiction as your extremely right wing, deeply political Conservative, Christian Fundamentalist brother-in-law at the Thanksgiving table pretending to listen politely to your Liberal nieces impassioned plea for amnesty for all illegal immigrants. Nothing is penetrating.

If you abandon reason as a tool in dealing with the addict what, then, are you left with? How about emotion?

If you have someone dear to you who is addicted you’ve probably done your fair share of crying, threatening, pleading and demanding. Any of it work for more than a couple of days?

How about bribes, manipulation, sleight of hand? Think – hiding bottles, canceling credit cards, “outing” the addict to other family members. Any of it work?

What works, ultimately, is taking the focus off of the addict and putting it squarely where you have an unassailable right to put it – on yourself.

Here’s where you take the 12 Step Serenity Prayer to heart. You actually have zero control over what anyone else does or does not do - but you have absolute control over your own actions.

You can’t control whether someone else drinks or uses. You can control the fact that you refuse to participate in what is, essentially, an assisted suicide, in the life of your loved one. You can control whether or not you will continue to prolong their support, continue to facilitate and even fund their access to drugs, and continue to put up with their b.s. You can control whether or not you do things which hurt you and cause you anxiety or stress.

When dealing with the addict, it definitely takes two to tango. They need to be supported and enabled; you need to support and enable them. One of you has to step out of the game. They won’t - so you must.

Just say no.

When you’re true to your own values and quietly and firmly take a stand that you’re no longer going to continue with your past enabling behavior because it’s not good for you – you’re untouchable and beyond manipulation. You’re not threatening, cajoling, giving ultimatums, crying, manipulating. You’re just saying – sorry – but this is hurting me and I have to take care of myself. You may not choose to have a healthy, aware life – but I do.

Where addiction starts

According to Tibetan Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, all addiction stems from the same place.

It’s that place where you are restless, anxious, ill-at-ease or in some way in your head and you feel a deep need to soften the discomfort with something or someone.

It’s not enough to be in the present.

Chodron also reminds us that there is no greater teacher than this present moment right now and, lucky for us, it is with us all the time wherever we go.

Her teachings bring to mind a wonderful definition of addiction that I once heard:

“A consistent neglect of self in favor of someone or something else”.

This definition tells us that we are all addicted in one way or another.  It’s a continuum.

The ability to stay with where we are, regardless of whether it is giving us pleasure or pain, can be strengthened with self-awareness, meditation and practice.

New Thinking in Alcohol Treatment

The common thinking that an addict had to emotionally buy into the need for treatment in order to begin recovery, essentially self-diagnose himself as an alcoholic,  is now in question.

In one of the classic texts on the subject, Loosening the Grip: A Handbook of Alcohol Information by Jean Kinney, the author asserts that this is no longer considered necessary.  She says”

“The addict needs to be convinced, by a preponderance of experiential and anecdotal facts that the diagnosis of alcoholism is true – he doesn’t need to be happy about it.” (Who would be?)

This is a significant departure from formerly accepted theory.  No longer need time be spent trying to get the addict to emotionally accept the fact of his illness.  It’s enough that the professional provide irrefutable proof of addiction, such that the addict cannot dispute it.

Another take on addiction

Zen Master Yasutani, in his “Eight Beliefs in Buddhism”, said that a person commits suicide because he cannot live in the way in which he would like. At first glance, this seems a little cold-blooded; such a selfish explanation for a devastating act which can hurt so many people.

But when we think about it, we realize that it is true.

When someone is in such suffering, despair, pain or anger that they decide not to continue living, they are not accepting their life just as it is is at this moment.

They want something other than what they ended up with. They also are not accepting the possibility of change, either in their circumstances or in their own responses.

I think Yasutani could have extended his observations to addiction.

Notwithstanding physiological and biochemical changes which can eventually occur in the body, each addiction begins with one wilful act.

It is usually an act which we choose because it takes us away from life as it is just right now.

If we feel empty and unsatisfied we may try to fill the hole with shopping or gambling or eating. If we experience ourselves as not smart enough, funny enough, interesting enough – or just plain not enough – we may try to change the way we are through drugs or alcohol.

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Cutting edge addiction treatment

A Bermuda-based drug company is attempting to bring to market a vaccine against cocaine. This is stunning and welcome news for individuals and healthcare professionals affected by the current crack epidemic.

TA-CD stimulates the increase of antibodies to cocaine in the bloodstream. The antibodies bind to the cocaine molecules and the resultant molecules are too large to reach the brain.

The theory behind this novel treatment is that if the pleasurable effects of the ingestion of cocaine are substantially reduced or eliminated the positive reinforcement that the body associates with cocaine will be blunted. This can give the addict an opportunity to break the cycle of addiction and abuse.

This same company is also representing TA-NIC, a vaccine which will hopefully do the same thing for non-smokers looking to break the habit. Seems like a logical next step that the tobacco industry should step up to the plate and put some money into developing this one.

You can read more about these two developing products here