I had gone to a Zen Center to learn meditation. The idea of sitting down everyday for a time in peace and stillness appealed to me. How hard could it be? I could be contemplative at times. I could sit by myself quite happily watching the sun go down. Especially if I had someone with me to share it with.

We were led into a small room and told to take off our shoes and sit on meditation cushions. Our instructor told us we were to close our eyes and breathe slowly and purposefully in and out. We should try to clear out minds of any thoughts. If a rogue thought did enter our mind we should acknowledge it but not attach ourselves to it.

As our Buddhist teacher explained. We should think;

“Oh, there’s a thought scudding across the blue sky of my mind like a little cloud. I’ll watch it go by now.”

I could immediately relate. (“Oh here’s this jerk come to talk to me but he’s not my type. I’ll just nod and pretend to listen.)”

Our Buddhist teacher explained that we should breathe slowly in and out. We should count 1 on the first exhalation; 2 on the second exhalation etc. until we reached 10. If we were distracted by a thought we had to immediately go back to number 1 and start over.

I can absolutely do this!

One. So far so good.

Two.

“Hey, check me out. I’m meditating!”

One. Two.

“Thank God I made it past two. Otherwise I’d be a complete spazz.”

Doh!

One.

“I wonder if anyone else has gotten past two yet.”

One.

Etc. etc.

When I opened my eyes it was to a new and horrible reality. I think I actually said, “Do I do this ALL THE TIME!!” and the wise Buddhist nun smiled and nodded.

This was years ago but I’ve been keeping an eye on this since. Kind of like when you’re aware of your breathing because maybe you had a slight heart irregularity and then you can’t go to sleep because you’re so aware of your breathing. You wonder how come you never noticed it before. You hear your heart in everything. You are hyper-aware of your breathing. What if you stop!!

What if, by thinking so much about your breathing, you actually forget to do it? How do you get yourself started again?

I call this my intra-cranial conversation. Reminds me of a phrase our “intelligence” experts use when bumping us up to a Code Orange. They hear snippets of intelligence in the “chatter” of Al Queda operatives across countries. Now what they really need is access to the Al Queda intra-cranial chatter. That would tell ‘em something. But, of course, it’s not only off-limits to us but it’s also off-limits to them because it’s never talked about.

Which is why it’s The Last Taboo.

Every body does this. Presidents; homeless person. (Once you accept that all politicians do this you won’t be able to vote for anybody ever again. I mean never). It’s like seeing somebody you need to hold in a position of respect with their pants off. We know that children do this because they are unself-conscious enough to verbalize their intra-cranial chatter as they play. They talk to themselves and give tea-parties for imaginary friends.

We consider it charming.

Now there are many kinds of intra-cranial chatter. There’s the informational task-oriented ;

“Hmm, I wonder if I should put more lemon in the dressing.”

“Is this where I made a left last time I came here.”

Sort of a harmless sub-verbal acknowledgment of a thought process.

Then there is the judgmental. The most damaging.

“You moron, how could you say something so stupid”. “Exactly how big does my ass look in this”.

There is the editorializing which seems to have no function whatsoever.

“Hey, what a great sunset”.

“Look at that”. “They can’t be real, they’re too perky”.

“There oughta be a permit for spandex”.

A very bad voice-over to a truly boring docudrama.

There is the firing on all neurons stream of consciousness.

“I can’t believe I’m thinking this but..” .

I always thought the great attraction of Robin Williams was that he outed his own personal intra-cranial chatter. It felt familiar because that’s how we all actually think for crying out loud. We just never knew anybody else did.

And then there are endless sub-sets of second-guessing; l’esprit de l’escalier; constructed scenarios which showcase our superhero powers; Yadda, yadda, yadda.

It’s the great equalizer.

Remember that scene in the Woody Allen film where as a punishment the guy is locked in a pit with an insurance agent?

That’s your brain on Reality. There’s no escape. You can’t get away. All day every day. It’s draining to generate to; listen to and to argue with.

That’s why people find meditation so calming. The Buddhist nun claims she could tell that we were having a difficult time of it because of the energy in the room. Well sure, brainwaves are electrical, so thoughts must have some kind of electrical component and if she was still and hyper-sensitive why couldn’t she tell? It must have felt to her like she was standing to close to a transformer on the freeway.

I have often wondered if our intra-cranial chit chat is the equivalent of a white noise which masks external stimulation and cuts off the flow of material to the brain. Seeing as the brain isn’t really required for most of this nonsense. Maybe it’s like going on Energy Saver mode so that we have enough brainpower left to respond to the important stuff.

So, anyway, I was walking along the beach when the realization hit me that I could make my life easier in one fell swoop.

How, you ask?

Just shut up. Just stem the flow of garbage. It doesn’t take a lot of creativity to generate all this garbage but it must take an awful lot of energy to process it and listen to it . So don’t. Just stop it.

But here’s the truly frightening thing about it. You can’t shut up. No sir. Try it.

One. Two.

“Is this the end of the article. That was a load of hooey. I could’ve done better……